Tag Archives: Christmas

How to Prevent Christmas Arguments

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The majority of couples I see in my therapy aren’t here to work through the big stuff in life – the infidelities, financial pressures or complicated family stuff. Believe it or not most of them are arguing over the trivial stuff like who does the housework. But a partnership at odds over who takes out the rubbish or feeds the cat aren’t really locking horns over the specific tasks, it’s more about what the tasks represent mixed in with unhelpful communication skills and difficulties in accepting personality differences.

Here’s my top tips to avoid domestic blowouts and romantic meltdowns.

Negotiate

So, you’ve found the perfect partner and compatible in every way? Research tells us that the main thing couples tend to bicker about are domestic chores. And why wouldn’t it be, after all what we’re really talking about here are our personal standards, expectations and priorities.

Most clashes occur when our partner doesn’t match up to who we expect them to be but once we make a decision to share our lives with someone we need to learn the art of compromise and negotiation. If not you’ll forever be competing with one another.

Get real, name it

What’s the real meaning underneath the clash? What are you fighting over? Is it about not being heard, seen or valued in a relationship? Do you feel taken for granted? Is one or both of you going through a difficult period of stress, depression or anxiety? The eruption on the surface is usually a symptom and not the cause. Sitting down together and being courageous enough to be authentic will be a huge step in restoring a sense of harmony.

Learn to communicate

Despite most of us thinking we’re good listeners research tells us we’re not. A vast majority of people listen to defend their own position, or even more frustratingly, pretend to listen whilst thinking about the next thing they want to say.

Be honest and ask yourself whether your communication style is empathic and solution-focused or critical and defensive. Are you passive, aggressive or a combination of both?

If you feel yourself getting worked up try some deep breathing techniques or even take some time out before you resume discussions. Rarely is a helpful solution found in the heat of the moment. Own your feelings and avoid any temptation to attack.

Avoid distractions

Many of us fall into the trap of being easily distracted at home (think smartphones, devices, juggling family and work). The result is we don’t stay present. You’re unlikely to be heard (or feel heard) without your partner giving you their full attention.

Try setting aside weekly time to tackle the trickier elements of the day to day. Sitting opposite one another and taking turns to talk and listen can really help to create a safe space.

Remember you’re on the same team

What are you going to gain by fighting over the small stuff? A sense of power, control, pride? If left unchecked this kind of toxic in-house combat can turn even the most healthy and functional of relationships into a cesspit of frustration, anger, bitterness and resentment. Keeping a mental score-sheet of who did what? Learn to let it go.

The root of all conflict arrives from our feelings of separateness – that is that we reduce the other person into an object simply blocking our path. Remember the objective is about finding a way forward together not trying to beat your opponent.

Set clear responsibilities

Play to your strengths and set some clear roles and responsibilities which you mutually agree feels fair. Once you have agreed on this avoid the urge to project manage your partner into getting things done your way. Nobody wants to be micromanaged and it will likely be interpreted by your partner that you don’t trust them. So whose stuff is that? Theirs or yours?

Reach Out

By making a few changes and learning to communicate better most couples can start to see an immediate improvement in their situation. Disagreements should never cross personal boundaries and verbal or physical attacks are completely unacceptable. If you feel your relationship may benefit from external support reach out to a qualified relationship counsellor who can help get to the bottom of your issues and help you work on your communication skills.

Steph Jones (MBACP PGDip BSc Hons HND) is a Registered Counsellor, Psychotherapist and a freelance Writer. Steph offers individual and relationship therapy to adults at her private practice.

www.stephjonescounselling.co.uk

@StephJonesMBACP

The Christmas Survival Guide (or how to avoid a meltdown)

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It’s that special time of year again where we are bombarded by cosy television adverts featuring ‘perfect’ happy families enjoying ‘perfect’ magical scenes eating ‘perfect’ celebratory lunches. Back in reality though it’s also that time of year where we often find ourselves rushing around like headless chickens trying to compete with such manufactured scenes, and feeling somewhat disappointed that our ‘big day’ doesn’t quite hit the mark.

Our spouse wakes up in a grumpy mood after too many tipples left out for Santa the night before, our children squabble over suspicious smelling sprouts and retreat into a world of smartphones, and oh dear, the roast potatoes are burned to a crisp. Is it any wonder so many of us go into seasonal meltdown?

A 2014 study shows that just over one in four women feel stressed about Christmas preparations, whilst one in three people in general are worried about the financial strain it brings. Gideon Skinner (Head of Political Research at Ipsos MORI) said:

“Christmas is meant to be a time for sharing – but our survey suggests the burden isn’t shared totally equally between men and women. Women are twice as likely to say they feel stressed about their Christmas preparations, while nearly a quarter of men say they haven’t done any of their Christmas shopping so far.”

At this time of year from a counselling point of view I see a sharp increase in the number of clients feeling very worried about Christmas with many reporting worsening stress, anxiety and depression.

Are we taking on too much or simply blowing things out of proportion?

It’s no joke that rushing around the high street, queuing up for lengthy periods and over-facing yourself with military-style duties is going to increase your blood pressure and with many of us having such limited time to get things done it can become incredibly easy to succumb to a sheer sense of panic.

So what can we do? Here’s my top five list of things to help you beat the winter frenzy and keep your cool when the kitchen’s hot.

RELAX – It might seem glaringly obvious but a quick grounding in yourself will help snap you back into the present moment and stop you feeling caught up in the external chaos.

I recommend you find a quiet spot wherever you can (even if it’s the public loos if you’re out and about) and concentrate on your breathing – inhaling deeply through the nose for a count of five and exhaling slowly through your mouth for a count of seven. Keep your eyes closed and put a hand on your chest to connect you with your heartbeat.

Repeating this process for even just a few minutes will immediately decrease your heart rate, encourage deeper breathing (goodbye tight anxious chest..) and start to relax the tension in your muscles.

PRIORITISE – Rome was not built in a day and spoiler alert… there is no such thing as a ‘perfect’ Christmas. Believe me, I’m sure Jamie Oliver and his wife bicker over the washing up and Nigella buggers up the sprouts. Don’t be fooled by the mass media whose sole purpose is to encourage you to spend, spend, spend.

Remember that what you see on TV is completely fabricated and staged. The happy family you are watching likely only met each other that morning and aren’t even related.

Work yourself out a schedule (or even just a basic list) so that tasks get broken down into manageable chunks. Shop online if you can and make sure you leave yourself lots of time so you aren’t panicking at the last minute.

And be sensible. Do you really have time to arrange a three-course meal for fifteen relatives? If the answer is no you might want to ask yourself why you are going to such lengths. Duty? Obligation? Remember, this is not your responsibility to deal with alone which leads us nicely to…

ASK FOR HELP – For the love of Christmas, remember to delegate! Any successful project manager will ensure they utilise every possible resource at their disposal, so be smart and play to everyone’s strengths. For example – if you have a colleague who is nipping out over lunch to pick up a few things, why not ask if they could also collect some things for you too?

By all means make sure it is a fair swap and return the favour – maybe Carol in Accounts could be responsible for your food shop whilst you pick up all the smellies for her Book Club? Team your time wisely and chant the mantra – Bite. Size. Chunks.

JUST STOP – Now I know that if you want to feel more efficient then taking a break will probably seem counter-productive, but seriously it will help and there’s an important science behind this.

When we are operating within our normal parameters of stress (the day to day stuff) we can function reasonably well and process all the bits of information coming into our brains. But when we become exposed to too much stress our bodies go into a state of either hyper-arousal (the sympathetic ‘fight or flight’ response – hypervigilance, anxiety, panic) or hypo-arousal (the parasympathetic immobilised response – numbness, freezing).

In either case the stress hormone cortisol will be flying around your bloodstream causing all kinds of mischief (memory loss, inability to concentrate, confusion, irritability) making everything seem like an uphill struggle.

It can seem all too easy to be seduced by the internal anxiety which screams, ‘BUT I’VE GOT TOO MUCH TO DO’ but that’s your primal adrenal glands talking – not your common sense. You are not in danger.

To regain control over your central nervous system try taking a nap, walking the dog, listening to music, doing meditation, yoga or Tai Chi. You will be amazed at just how much clearer you feel after taking a short break and remember – subjecting your body to anything which puts your health in potential jeopardy is really not worth it in the grand scheme of things. And lastly…

ENJOY YOURSELF – This is your time too. Don’t kid yourself that you’re responsible for everything, learn to let go. So, run yourself a bath, pour a glass of wine, and ease yourself into the festive spirit. Nothing needs to be perfect (and besides, nothing ever is) and this is not the end of the world. Applying the basic time-management and grounding techniques mentioned here will free up some headspace for you to have fun.

Christmases come in all shapes and sizes and some of the best ones I’ve ever had have been where I’ve switched off my phone, barricaded the door and spent some quality time alone. You are certainly not obliged to do anything you don’t feel comfortable doing.

Christmas can be a difficult, lonely, nostalgic and sad time for many and there are no right or wrong feelings to be had. Feeling a pressure to ‘switch off’ any present negative feelings simply because it’s Christmas will only make you feel worse (fighting the feelings/ keeping up a façade) so please allow yourself to just BE and go with the flow. Doing what feels right for you isn’t selfish – it’s basic self-care.

Wishing you all a very peaceful, merry (and stress free!) holiday time.

Steph x

Steph Jones (MBACP PGDip BSc Hons)
BACP Registered Counsellor and Psychotherapist

Counselling for Stockport