Category Archives: Blog

Coronavirus – how will you use this time?

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In light of the current Covid-19 pandemic I have recently found myself wondering how our drastically altered lifestyles are affecting us all at an emotional level. And I don’t just mean the obvious anxieties we hold around our employment, finances, housing, food access or health either.

My thoughts are turned more towards what happens when we remove our go-to coping strategies which occupy much of our time; our work, spending, shopping, socialising, leisure time and all other forms of distractions. I recently read a comment by a psychoanalysist who suggested that we will all project our biggest fears onto this virus, and from observations in my daily and clinical life I tend to feel this is a fairly accurate statement.

I am witnessing a great number of individuals in unhappy or unsatisfying relationships being forced to spend time with one another, with no means of getting away or consciously dissociating from their problems.

We are being called upon to tackle our elephants in the room.

In my view, this gives us a number of options to consider. Do we fully address the personal and interpersonal challenges in a constructive way, abandon ship, or continue to put our hands over our eyes and ears pretending everything is normal? Undoubtedly this incredibly trying time calls for each of us to pull on our inner and outer resourcefulness and compile an emotional and practical stock-take of all the things that serve (and no longer serve) our needs.

There has never been a better time to get the psychological house in order, utilise our time wisely, reflect, and plan for the future. Are you happy? What do you need? Where do you want to be? These are all areas of our lives which require (and deserve!) our attention as we contend with taking the difficult immediate steps to ensure our current safety and survival.

Perhaps some good can come of this crisis, that we may find an improved version of ourselves, focused more inwards on our spiritual and emotional well-being, rather than reaching for endless distractions to unsuccessfully plug the hole.

I hope you stay safe and wish you well.

Take care,

Steph x

How to Prevent Christmas Arguments

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The majority of couples I see in my therapy aren’t here to work through the big stuff in life – the infidelities, financial pressures or complicated family stuff. Believe it or not most of them are arguing over the trivial stuff like who does the housework. But a partnership at odds over who takes out the rubbish or feeds the cat aren’t really locking horns over the specific tasks, it’s more about what the tasks represent mixed in with unhelpful communication skills and difficulties in accepting personality differences.

Here’s my top tips to avoid domestic blowouts and romantic meltdowns.

Negotiate

So, you’ve found the perfect partner and compatible in every way? Research tells us that the main thing couples tend to bicker about are domestic chores. And why wouldn’t it be, after all what we’re really talking about here are our personal standards, expectations and priorities.

Most clashes occur when our partner doesn’t match up to who we expect them to be but once we make a decision to share our lives with someone we need to learn the art of compromise and negotiation. If not you’ll forever be competing with one another.

Get real, name it

What’s the real meaning underneath the clash? What are you fighting over? Is it about not being heard, seen or valued in a relationship? Do you feel taken for granted? Is one or both of you going through a difficult period of stress, depression or anxiety? The eruption on the surface is usually a symptom and not the cause. Sitting down together and being courageous enough to be authentic will be a huge step in restoring a sense of harmony.

Learn to communicate

Despite most of us thinking we’re good listeners research tells us we’re not. A vast majority of people listen to defend their own position, or even more frustratingly, pretend to listen whilst thinking about the next thing they want to say.

Be honest and ask yourself whether your communication style is empathic and solution-focused or critical and defensive. Are you passive, aggressive or a combination of both?

If you feel yourself getting worked up try some deep breathing techniques or even take some time out before you resume discussions. Rarely is a helpful solution found in the heat of the moment. Own your feelings and avoid any temptation to attack.

Avoid distractions

Many of us fall into the trap of being easily distracted at home (think smartphones, devices, juggling family and work). The result is we don’t stay present. You’re unlikely to be heard (or feel heard) without your partner giving you their full attention.

Try setting aside weekly time to tackle the trickier elements of the day to day. Sitting opposite one another and taking turns to talk and listen can really help to create a safe space.

Remember you’re on the same team

What are you going to gain by fighting over the small stuff? A sense of power, control, pride? If left unchecked this kind of toxic in-house combat can turn even the most healthy and functional of relationships into a cesspit of frustration, anger, bitterness and resentment. Keeping a mental score-sheet of who did what? Learn to let it go.

The root of all conflict arrives from our feelings of separateness – that is that we reduce the other person into an object simply blocking our path. Remember the objective is about finding a way forward together not trying to beat your opponent.

Set clear responsibilities

Play to your strengths and set some clear roles and responsibilities which you mutually agree feels fair. Once you have agreed on this avoid the urge to project manage your partner into getting things done your way. Nobody wants to be micromanaged and it will likely be interpreted by your partner that you don’t trust them. So whose stuff is that? Theirs or yours?

Reach Out

By making a few changes and learning to communicate better most couples can start to see an immediate improvement in their situation. Disagreements should never cross personal boundaries and verbal or physical attacks are completely unacceptable. If you feel your relationship may benefit from external support reach out to a qualified relationship counsellor who can help get to the bottom of your issues and help you work on your communication skills.

Steph Jones (MBACP PGDip BSc Hons HND) is a Registered Counsellor, Psychotherapist and a freelance Writer. Steph offers individual and relationship therapy to adults at her private practice.

www.stephjonescounselling.co.uk

Time to Talk

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Someone asked me the other day what time of clients I worked with- whether it was people ‘just’ dealing with problems in their relationships, jobs or families, or whether it was people who had ‘mental health issues.’

What is the distinction? Is there one? What is ‘being well’ and how do we define it?

There seems to be some confusion as to what mental health actually is. So let’s put this in simplistic terms.

We ALL have mental health, just like physical health and it exists on a sliding scale.

If you’d sustained a physical injury you would need time to heal. Willing your bones to knit back isn’t going to have much effect. Similarly if you’ve sustained a psychological wound – a loss, a pain, a shock, a stress factor, an environmental change- your mental health will need time to process, reflect, find acceptance and heal.

It really isn’t any different.

The problem in society is that we can’t SEE the mind. We look at others and think, ‘Well, they LOOK fine’ without being able to experience their inner pain. Let’s face it unfortunately modern society is geared around productivity- governments contribute vast sums of money into the system in order to support individuals struggling with mental health issues, but why? Out of the goodness of their hearts? Because they’re full of integrity and compassion? No, because people who are struggling are not able to contribute to profit generation, in this sense mental health is a ‘problem’ to be dealt with.

Clinician ‘experts’ focus on treating pathologies; human beings are given labels and diagnoses which pigeon-hole them into treatment ‘pathways’. Understanding what brought the person to that current state of being is typically undervalued- CBT for example isn’t particularly interested in listening to the underlying meaning of how you came to be in this moment, it’s more interested in looking for ways to ‘fix’ your mindset- to turn your negative thoughts into more healthy, positive and ordinary ones. But what if your negative thoughts simply reflect reality, that your life and environment are difficult and painful?

Animals caged up in zoos suffer psychological disturbances- consider the pacing tigers, the birds which over-groom and pull out their feathers- when we cannot live how we want to live, we become stressed, ill, anxious and depressed. It could be argued that these are natural responses to hardship.

But the system demands that much of our natural response anxieties and depressions are reduced to false red flag triggers which must be psychologically reconditioned and banished. Medication largely helps abate the internal anguish by numbing out the power of the triggers and re-balancing depleted serotonin levels. But what happens when the flag ARE real? When you’re skint, in diabolical housing, have poor self-esteem or little motivation to go on because every day makes you feel utterly worthless?

The NIMHE Guiding Statement on Recovery talks about, ‘changing one’s orientation and behaviour from a negative focus on a troubling event, condition or circumstance to the positive restoration, rebuilding, reclaiming or taking control of one’s life.’

But this begs the question- how much control do people have over their own lives? Through no fault of their own, millions of people find themselves in dire socio-economic circumstances leading to deep unhappiness and poor mental health.

Carl Rogers, the father of Client Centred Therapy, talks about the internal struggle of incongruence- that is, by not living in accordance with your true self this leads to all kinds of psychological conflict. For the most part poor mental health doesn’t arise out of the blue, it’s typically linked to some unexpressed or unprocessed part of yourself.

Today we all have a golden opportunity to talk about how we feel, to share our stories, our fears and hopes, and bite back at those who suggest you can ‘think’ your way out of mental health struggles.

Telling someone to ‘think positive’ when they’re in a dark and scary place is as bloody pointless as asking a diabetic to control their insulin by mind power alone.

Yes, we can all do things which will support good mental health and get endorphins whizzing around (exercising, socialising, eating well, moderating toxic loads on your body) but let’s be realistic and stop heaping blame and shame onto the suffers.

Smash the stigma and raise the empathy stakes, we’re all human and deserve compassion and support

#TimetoTalk

Do you remember your first time?

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I was recently reflecting on the different approaches used by counsellors in their initial consultation session. For the client this first meeting may be massively anxiety-provoking. Perhaps they have only communicated with their potential therapist beforehand via email or text and are so filled with things to say that everything rushes out at once!

It has to be said that first meeting can often leave you feeling as though you are going on a blind date!

I come from a counselling background of mandatory form filling, monitoring, and evaluation and often found myself abandoning organisations’ protocol in order to really listen and engage with the person sat right in front of me. Although there is certainly importance in building up a bigger picture of my client’s difficulties I often feel the approach of, “please answer questions 1, 2 and 3” could mean that the real answer gets entirely overlooked. That is, if I try to direct you to what I think might give me insight, we might end up setting off in the wrong direction!

What can I expect in my initial consultation? What do I say and do?!

Since that first meeting is usually slightly shorter I would recommend going in with a broad overview of your difficulties. Remember, it doesn’t matter if you forget anything important in the initial session- there are no right or wrong answers. Therapists are not like doctors and we aren’t listening out for a list of ‘symptoms’ in order to medically ‘diagnose’ you and prescribe a form of ‘treatment’. The process is more about working with your feelings and getting to the root of your problems.

Ask questions.

Feel free to come prepared (carry a list of questions and ideas if that helps) so that your therapist can help clarify things for you. A good therapist should be happy to answer any questions relating to their experience, qualifications and practice and you will be able to get a ‘feel’ for them too. Does it feel right? Do you feel comfortable with them? Do you feel unsure or rushed? Are they open or defensive, warm or clinical? Do you feel valued or unimportant? These are all incredibly valid gut reactions which can help inform your decision as to whether you’d like to work with them going forward.

What are your goals? How will you know when you’re finished in therapy?

It’s a good idea to have at least a vague notion of what this might be for example: I’d like to feel more confident, I want a better relationship with my partner, I’d like to feel less angry. By understanding and setting some goals it can help to steer the process but remember – sometimes clients come into the therapy room thinking they want to address one issue and as the layers peel back they realise the issue was really something else all along! I review regularly with all my clients to see if they feel on-track and are happy with our progress. One important thing to note is that sometimes it can feel as though you are ‘stuck’ in therapy- like you’ve hit a glass ceiling and things feel stagnant. That’s something to discuss together and can actually bring up very valuable material- it certainly doesn’t mean ‘it isn’t working!’

Find out about the process.

In my consultation sessions I might talk a little bit about our boundaries, confidentiality, session arrangements and frequencies, note-taking and ethical policy. As there is no obligation to sign up on the day I give all my potential clients a copy of my standard counselling agreement to take away and read carefully- if they wish to come back they can complete and return it on the first agreed session where we will revisit it and make sure it is understood clearly.

Be yourself! Warts ‘an all!

This isn’t a job interview and you don’t have to do anything other than be yourself. I have had many clients who ‘prepare’ or ‘rehearse’ what they plan to say in a session, only to realise that all that goes out the window when you’re deeply in the moment! Take some deep breaths before you come in and try to relax as much as you can- we’re here to help you, not make you feel worse! Be as honest, open and authentic as you are comfortable being- that will go a long way in moving the process along- and above all, trust in the process.

Good luck with finding the right therapist for you.

Steph x

The Christmas Survival Guide (or how to avoid a meltdown)

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It’s that special time of year again where we are bombarded by cosy television adverts featuring ‘perfect’ happy families enjoying ‘perfect’ magical scenes eating ‘perfect’ celebratory lunches. Back in reality though it’s also that time of year where we often find ourselves rushing around like headless chickens trying to compete with such manufactured scenes, and feeling somewhat disappointed that our ‘big day’ doesn’t quite hit the mark.

Our spouse wakes up in a grumpy mood after too many tipples left out for Santa the night before, our children squabble over suspicious smelling sprouts and retreat into a world of smartphones, and oh dear, the roast potatoes are burned to a crisp. Is it any wonder so many of us go into seasonal meltdown?

A 2014 study shows that just over one in four women feel stressed about Christmas preparations, whilst one in three people in general are worried about the financial strain it brings. Gideon Skinner (Head of Political Research at Ipsos MORI) said:

“Christmas is meant to be a time for sharing – but our survey suggests the burden isn’t shared totally equally between men and women. Women are twice as likely to say they feel stressed about their Christmas preparations, while nearly a quarter of men say they haven’t done any of their Christmas shopping so far.”

At this time of year from a counselling point of view I see a sharp increase in the number of clients feeling very worried about Christmas with many reporting worsening stress, anxiety and depression.

Are we taking on too much or simply blowing things out of proportion?

It’s no joke that rushing around the high street, queuing up for lengthy periods and over-facing yourself with military-style duties is going to increase your blood pressure and with many of us having such limited time to get things done it can become incredibly easy to succumb to a sheer sense of panic.

So what can we do? Here’s my top five list of things to help you beat the winter frenzy and keep your cool when the kitchen’s hot.

RELAX – It might seem glaringly obvious but a quick grounding in yourself will help snap you back into the present moment and stop you feeling caught up in the external chaos.

I recommend you find a quiet spot wherever you can (even if it’s the public loos if you’re out and about) and concentrate on your breathing – inhaling deeply through the nose for a count of five and exhaling slowly through your mouth for a count of seven. Keep your eyes closed and put a hand on your chest to connect you with your heartbeat.

Repeating this process for even just a few minutes will immediately decrease your heart rate, encourage deeper breathing (goodbye tight anxious chest..) and start to relax the tension in your muscles.

PRIORITISE – Rome was not built in a day and spoiler alert… there is no such thing as a ‘perfect’ Christmas. Believe me, I’m sure Jamie Oliver and his wife bicker over the washing up and Nigella buggers up the sprouts. Don’t be fooled by the mass media whose sole purpose is to encourage you to spend, spend, spend.

Remember that what you see on TV is completely fabricated and staged. The happy family you are watching likely only met each other that morning and aren’t even related.

Work yourself out a schedule (or even just a basic list) so that tasks get broken down into manageable chunks. Shop online if you can and make sure you leave yourself lots of time so you aren’t panicking at the last minute.

And be sensible. Do you really have time to arrange a three-course meal for fifteen relatives? If the answer is no you might want to ask yourself why you are going to such lengths. Duty? Obligation? Remember, this is not your responsibility to deal with alone which leads us nicely to…

ASK FOR HELP – For the love of Christmas, remember to delegate! Any successful project manager will ensure they utilise every possible resource at their disposal, so be smart and play to everyone’s strengths. For example – if you have a colleague who is nipping out over lunch to pick up a few things, why not ask if they could also collect some things for you too?

By all means make sure it is a fair swap and return the favour – maybe Carol in Accounts could be responsible for your food shop whilst you pick up all the smellies for her Book Club? Team your time wisely and chant the mantra – Bite. Size. Chunks.

JUST STOP – Now I know that if you want to feel more efficient then taking a break will probably seem counter-productive, but seriously it will help and there’s an important science behind this.

When we are operating within our normal parameters of stress (the day to day stuff) we can function reasonably well and process all the bits of information coming into our brains. But when we become exposed to too much stress our bodies go into a state of either hyper-arousal (the sympathetic ‘fight or flight’ response – hypervigilance, anxiety, panic) or hypo-arousal (the parasympathetic immobilised response – numbness, freezing).

In either case the stress hormone cortisol will be flying around your bloodstream causing all kinds of mischief (memory loss, inability to concentrate, confusion, irritability) making everything seem like an uphill struggle.

It can seem all too easy to be seduced by the internal anxiety which screams, ‘BUT I’VE GOT TOO MUCH TO DO’ but that’s your primal adrenal glands talking – not your common sense. You are not in danger.

To regain control over your central nervous system try taking a nap, walking the dog, listening to music, doing meditation, yoga or Tai Chi. You will be amazed at just how much clearer you feel after taking a short break and remember – subjecting your body to anything which puts your health in potential jeopardy is really not worth it in the grand scheme of things. And lastly…

ENJOY YOURSELF – This is your time too. Don’t kid yourself that you’re responsible for everything, learn to let go. So, run yourself a bath, pour a glass of wine, and ease yourself into the festive spirit. Nothing needs to be perfect (and besides, nothing ever is) and this is not the end of the world. Applying the basic time-management and grounding techniques mentioned here will free up some headspace for you to have fun.

Christmases come in all shapes and sizes and some of the best ones I’ve ever had have been where I’ve switched off my phone, barricaded the door and spent some quality time alone. You are certainly not obliged to do anything you don’t feel comfortable doing.

Christmas can be a difficult, lonely, nostalgic and sad time for many and there are no right or wrong feelings to be had. Feeling a pressure to ‘switch off’ any present negative feelings simply because it’s Christmas will only make you feel worse (fighting the feelings/ keeping up a façade) so please allow yourself to just BE and go with the flow. Doing what feels right for you isn’t selfish – it’s basic self-care.

Wishing you all a very peaceful, merry (and stress free!) holiday time.

Steph x

Steph Jones (MBACP PGDip BSc Hons)
BACP Registered Counsellor and Psychotherapist